Divorce/ Remarriage

This is our last week in class! This is going to be my las blog post for this class! We talked about divorce and remarriage. This is a touchy subject for some people. I bet some of you reading this have been from families that have had a divorce or remarriage. It isn't something easy! There are different stages of divorce. The emotional stage is when we cut ourselves emotionally from that person. Then there are the stages of legal divorce and economic. Then if there are children involved you have to go through the coparental stage. During this stage you decide about the custody for your children. It mean both physical and legal. Physical is where the kids will live. Legal is if there is 50/50 joint custody or not. There are so many things to decide after the divorce. In studies, a women is less likely to get remarried after a divorce. Why is this so? In class we discussed this and some of the things we came up with are because of time, complexity, emotional, and negative associations. Also, second marriages are much more likely to get a divorce than the first. I'm not saying, all remarriages end up regretting it. My aunt for instance got a divorce from her husband and she is happily remarried. Actually, I have never seen her happier! I think it's different, for different people. Many people have said remarrying is a hard thing. There are a lot of different changes. There are four things we talked in class that can help those blended families. 1. first accept the fact that its going to take at least two years to be "normal"-meaning there are going to be a lot of changes people are going to have to make. 2. the biological parent should do all the heavy discipline. 3.-step parent role is similar to an aunt and uncle role. 4.- have closed door discussions with your spouse. I have never been in a situation where I have had a blended family, but I feel these could help. I think all in all do whats best for your family! Every family is different and needs different things. I think just keeping Christ the center of our families will make transitions in family life a lot easier. 

Becoming a Parent

I don't have children yet, but I loved learning the effects parenting has on our children. It helped open my eyes how important it is to be a parent. What is the purpose of parenting? I feel this is a pretty easy question. In my opinion parenting is to teach, provide, protect, guide, nurture, and to love. My teacher pointed out something neat. Parenting is not only for the child, but for the parent. As we parent our child, we learn and grow. I didn't realize what an impact it has on everyone on how we parent. It doesn't only impact us, but it impacts everyone around us. The parent and child have a better relationship. They have more in common, there is acceptance, and better understand between the two of you. What is the purpose of parenting? It is to prepare a child to survive and thrive in a world they're going to live in. How important is that!? We have a very important role as parents. I think it's important to realize what we need to do to become the best parents we can be. There are three different parenting styles. The first is authoritarian. This parenting style wants control and they expect obedience. Some children with parents like this may feel rejected and very controlled. The next parenting style is authoritative. This parent puts clear boundaries using a warm, accepting context. Children feel their parents control their behavior moderately, they can express their opinions, and make their own decisions. Last, permissive parenting. These parents don't have any control. These children are encouraged to make decisions on their own and develop independence with few or no parental guidance. Which parenting style are you? Which one do you want to be? This week I realized what kind of parent I want to be. Of course I'm not going to be perfect, but I want to be the best parent I can be. 

Family Work

Have you worked side by side with your family in a work setting? This week for part of our class we talked about the importance of working with your family. For example, like helping around the house, cleaning others messes, doing outside work, and any others you can think of. You get close working together, more than you would if you played together. We talked about 5 C's that happen during work. First is creating. We create something together. It might be a clean room or you make something new. Second in contributing. When a family works together then are each contributing something. Everyone feels like everyone is doing their part. Next is connecting. Have you every worked around your mom or dad and you guys start talking about things you didn't think would have been brought up? As we work around each other we connect on a different level. As a family you start to connect. People might feel more open as they work. Fourth is cooperating. You are all working together. Its a project together. Working together builds unity. Last is complementing. Have you noticed when people work together they start complementing on the things others have done? Work brings out a different personality in everyone. Elder Dean Harmon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints knew the importance of family work when he spoke in 1982 General Conference. He said, "Our family work has become a big factor in bringing a higher degree of love, peace, and unity into our home." Families that work together don't just teach their children how important hard work is. It teaches how important love is within a family. It teaches our child how to serve others and what it means to be selfless. Working as a family can bring many blessings in our lives. 

COMMUNICATION

One of the most important thing in marriage is communication. I think most people have communication probably on their top 10 things you need to have to have a successful marriage. How would you ever resolve anything if you didn't say anything to your spouse? How would you know if they were upset about something? Communication is needed in a marriage. As we communicate we need to make sure we are clear about what were are feeling, wanting, and needing. Sometimes when my husband and I are talking we felt like we knew what the other person was feeling, but in reality we didn't. In relationships we talk in "different" languages. Ok, not literally. But we all speak using different words, tones, and use non verbal cues. We need to find out how our spouse communicates. What does his tone mean? What kind of non-verbal cues does he use that I need to act on? We all use different words, tones, and non verbal cues. It's important to find out what are spouse's is. One thing that is important is to make sure our relationship doesn't have "rocks" that add up. Think about when rocks start to build up and up on each other, its hard to move them. The more we keep something in and don't communicate to our spouse, "rocks" add up in our relationship and things don't get better. As we communicate there is no build up. Of course our relationship isn't going to be perfect, but it will get better the more we communicate. 

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I think we have all heard the saying, "bad things happen to good people." Why is that? Things just happen. Life happens. I think the big reason is crisis happen to us for our own benefit. There for us to grow. We need to grow in this life to be the people we need to be. Where would we learn the things we need to learn if things didn't happen to us? I can think of times in my life where I'm struggling and of course at the time it just stinks. Although it was hard at the time,that's where I learned the most. Those hard things that I went through were the times that have made me the person I am today. One thing I learned in class that I just loved was the crisis sign in Chinese. The crisis sign actually means, danger and opportunity. How neat is that! I think that tells exactly what a crisis actually means. Obviously, when were in a crisis we will be struggling, but it is a huge opportunity for us to learn and grow. During this time of trial or crisis, we are never alone. We have our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to help us through anything. I know we can get through anything when we have Heavenly Father and Christ with us. Heavenly Father doesn't give us trials for us to fail, he wants us to succeed and to grow from those experiences. Think back about the trials or crisis you have gone through in your life. Were you changed? Did you grow? Did you learn something to help you become a better person?

How can I have a fidelity marriage?

This week in class we talked about a sensitive subject to many people, but very important to a lasting marriage. We talked about fidelity and the ways we can keep this in our marriage. What is fidelity? One definition I found it said it is faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support.Who wouldn't want this is a marriage? One thing I got out of class about fidelity is we need to be aware of who were with and how much time we spend with people. I feel as though things start out innocent and then leads to something else. Usually people say, "It wasn't suppose to go that far" or "We started as just friends". To help this from not happening we can be open with our spouse. Don't hide things from our spouse. If you are doing this, then something is not right. One thing my husband told me if he ever had to do a project or homework with a girl he would always have me come with him. This made me feel confident in our relationship. He wants to make sure I would never think anything is happening and nothing would happen. Never be alone with a person of the opposite sex. This can just lead to something else. Make sure you always bring your spouse with you. Lastly, talk to your husband about things you can do together to protect fidelity in your relationship. This will be different for everyone, but it can help in many ways. Ezra Taft Benson said, "Fidelity to one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust, and peace. Adultery is unequivocally condemned by the Lord. Husbands and wives who love each other will find that love and loyalty are reciprocated. This love will provide a nurturing atmosphere for the emotional growth of children. Family life should be a time of happiness and joy that children can look back on with fond memories and associations” If we have Christ the center of our lives, we will be able to have love and trust in our marriage.

Adjusting to Marriage!

As you can tell by the heading we talked about the adjustments we have to make when we get married. Since I'm newly married I have defiantly seen how many adjustments you really do have to make. Don't get me wrong marriage is great! I love my husband dearly and I'm so grateful I'm married, but it is an adjustment. Lets look at the first month of marriage. Adjustments: sharing a bed, food, priorities, temperature in the home, chores-household, habits, schedule, fiances, and one that is huge is making decisions. Its not only you now that you need to think about when making decisions. When you make a decision it affects two people. One thing I found super important about making decisions is communication. To be honest, when I first got married, I was horrible at communicating! It wasn't that I didn't want to talk. Some things I didn't want to make a decision because I didn't want to make the wrong one so I said I didn't care or it doesn't matter. But it reality, it does! I felt like everything will figure it on its own. This does not work! I realized as I communicate with my husband we made decisions together. Our relationship became stronger. We also talked about adjustments within the first year. Some of them were: traditions, medical issues, and extended family. We all want to start traditions with our own families. What are they going to be? Are you going to do things that your family does or are you going to do some things his family does? Where are you going to go for holidays? These are questions I feel might come up as your starting your family. It's just something you can be open and honest about with your husband. It's important for you to talk to your spouse before hand about traditions. As you do this when holidays come up you know what traditions you are going to do and there will be less contention in the home. I think one of the biggest adjustments we talked about is when you decide to have a baby.

Something I thought was interesting was in the average American marriage, marital satisfaction, is high until shortly after the birth of the first child, goes down significantly after the birth of each child, then levels out before improving as the children leave home. I don't believe it's because they aren't excited about the baby. My teacher gave us some reasons this could be happening. There is a lot of stress when it comes to having a baby, the work load goes up for both parents, and guys don't believe that their wives agree with them as they did before, even though that is usually not true. We we as women need to make sure we involve our husbands during pregnancy and after. How do we do that? These are some of my thoughts on it: I learned how important it is to engage your husband. It is important for them to feel involved. I think if they don't feel involved there could definitely be problems. One thing women can do is to make sure their husbands are at each doctor’s appointment. Make sure to let your husband feel the kicking of the baby. Obviously, moms can feel that all the time. If the dad gets to feel it he will feel already a connection with the baby. When the baby is born, let the husband take care of him/her. I know moms are super protective, but as the dad changes the diaper, gives the baby a bath, or holds the baby the dad can feel more wanted. During pregnancy and after having the baby moms should be open with the dad. Make sure you talk to him. Let him know how the baby was that day. While you are pregnant tell him what’s going on. Tell your husband how you feel. The baby can take a lot of your time, but your husband needs to know what’s going on. Lastly, go on dates! I think a lot of couples forget about this. I bet it’s scary at first to leave the baby with your mom or a good friend, but it will be good for the relationship. The marriage can grow and become stronger as they were before the baby came.

LOVE

What does love mean to you? My teacher asked us all this question. To be honest, I didn't even know how to explain what love meant. Obviously, I am completely in love with my husband. What does that mean to be in love with him?  To my surprise there are many different types of love.There are 4 different types. The first is storge, it is love between a parent and child. It is an unconditional love. Second is pillia, this is a friend love, but it can be intimate and close. Next is eros, this is romantic love. Eros love is longing to be in that person's presence. The last kind of love is agape. Agape love basically means to have charity. I think all these types of love are important. Of course I want to have a relationship that has pillia, eros, and agape. I want my relationship with my husband to be intimate, romantic, to be best friends, and to have charity for one another. And when the time comes to have a baby I definitely want to have storge love. How do you find love? It all starts out with dating. A date is when it is planned, paired off and paid for. Usually its the guy that does those things, but sometimes it's the girl. Remember the Family Proclamation I talked about last week? So in there it talks about three things men need to do in their marriage. They are to: provide, protect, and preside. These three go hand in hand with the first three I mentioned about dating. Dating prepares us to get married. Obviously. I just thought this was so neat what my teacher said. Planned=Preside- planning for a date is important, just has a husband presides they help the family plan for future. Paired off=Protect- When you pair off in a date you are telling that person you are going to watch over them and make sure nothing bad happens to them. When you get married you are basically doing the same thing. The man is there to protect the girl. Paid for=Provide- If the man or women pay for a date it shows they want to take care of that person, preparing them to one day to take care of a family. I just loved how the first 3 P's went with the last three P's. Even when you get married you should never stop dating! Don't get me wrong I love just hanging out with my husband at our apartment, but I love date night! We go a date at least once a week! It makes me love my husband more and more. So I still have the question, what is love? I think it might be different for everyone. Love for me is someone I trust with my heart. It's someone who is my best friend. Someone I want to be with constantly. I want the best for that person. Someone I'm emotionally attached to. When I love someone I have feelings I can't even describe. Love is something I can never truly explain in words. 

"We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls."- Gloria Steinem

Do you agree with this above statement? This week in my Family Relations class we talked about gender. To be honest, I don't agree with the statement. Maybe its because I come from a very traditional family. I also don't agree because of my beliefs. Heavenly Father has has made man and women. He wanted each gender to have specific traits. We are either a man or a women. We should be proud of the gender we are. There are many people who people there are no differences between the genders. For class we had to read different articles and in all the studies we read about the results always came back and said, yes women and men are different. Thats how God wanted it. Women are nurturing, expressive, and sensitive. Men are competitive, protectors, and are there to provide for their family. I believe together we have it all. We balance each other out. Men and women need each other. President Gordon B Hinckley, the 15 prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints said, "In His grand design, when God first created man, He created duality of the sexes. The ennobling expression of that duality is found in marriage. One individual is complementary to the other. As Paul stated, 'Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord' (1 Corinthians 11:11). There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other." Being recently married, I have realized my husband is just plain and simple better at certain things. It doesn't mean that I'm weaker. There are just some things he is just naturally better at. The things he is better at helps strengthen my weaknesses. I think each of us just needs to be grateful for the gender they are. Be the best man and women you can be! Thats what Heavenly Father wants us to do. I think if people have more pride in the gender they are and what each of us has to offer we wouldn't feel like one gender is better than the other. Women need men, and men need women!                                                             

I challenge anyone who reads this post to look up and read, The Family, A Proclamation to the World

What is your FAMILY CULTURE?

In class this week we talked about family culture. What is culture? Culture is beliefs and values of a certain group of people. We all come from a different culture. Even families have different cultures. For instance, my extended family is very close. We are all in each others business and know everything about everyone. For every holiday we get together, I mean every holiday. Which is great! I love it! But it's not the same for everybody. For example, my husband never lived that close to extended family. He didn't know his cousins, didn't have parties every holiday,and not everyone was in his immediate family business. There is nothing wrong with the way he grew up! There is nothing wrong with the way I grew up! It's just different cultures. Family culture is what family traditions you have. 

Especially now being married I like to think what will our family traditions be? What are some traditions I want to pass on to my family? I'm grateful for the traditions my family have. Each Thanksgiving we all get together and have a huge dinner! Everyone is there! My aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents are all there from my mom's side. After we eat, we all play Santa bingo! I know what you're thinking, Santa bingo on Thanksgiving? To be honest, I don't really know why we started doing that but I've played Santa bingo since I was little. Everyone loves it! We do it every single year. I didn't realize how many traditions my family has that I would love to pass on to my family! 

During the holidays think about what traditions you have. What is your family culture? What are the things you want to continue doing with your future family?

FAMILY THEORIES!

Have you wondered why there are disagreements with family members, roommates, or between our spouse that we love so much? This week in class we talked about three different theories that could explain some of the disagreements we have with the people we love. The first one is the CONFLICT THEORY. Its pretty easy to understand. When there are two more individuals there will be conflict. Simple as that. I loved some things my professor said. "Conflict is not always fighting, there are just differences. Conflicts aren't a bad thing." We all have different opinions. Thats just how it is. I know next time my husband and I are maybe not agreeing on something I need to remember its just because he has different interest, needs, and goals. I just need to try my best to understand them. Another theory is the EXCHANGE THEORY. Who has ever expected a roommate to wash dishes the next day because you just did them the day before? I know I have! And when they don't do the dishes we may feel a little upset. Exchange theory is if we do something for someone we expect them to do something for us. We have all heard the expression, "You owe me one."In the book we read for class it says, "If a relationship consistently costs us more than it rewards us, we are likely to avoid the person or break the relationship." The last theory we talked about is SYMBOLIC THEORY. A woman could be jealous of her boyfriend because she believes she is flirting with our woman. When in reality, she may be completely faithful. In symbolic theory there are misinterpretations. We all react differently in different situations. We just need to understand how are loved ones act in during these situations. We all have family members, close friends, or a spouse we may disagree with, but next time think of why you really are disagreeing. Are you not understanding their needs? Are you misinterpreting something? Do you think they aren't doing their part in the relationship? I bet if we take a step back and think of these theories there won't be as many disagreements in our relationships! 

When is the right time to start a family?

President Kimball said, "You did not come on earth just to "eat, drink and be merry." You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles, "Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the worlds work."

(My cousin and I)

I recently got married and of course when to start a family is on my mind. I loved President Kimball's quote when he said, "You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood." We understood that we were going to have children, even before we came to this Earth. I can't make this decision by myself. Having children is really up to God. Of course, my husband and I talk about it but, its really when God wants us to have children. He knows when the right time is for us. I think we just have to have faith is God's plan for each one of us. Each of us is different and he knows when having kids will be a good time. I always think about what if we don't have enough money for a child? I have to remember God always provides a way. He wants us to be happy and successful. He would never give us something so we could fail. We are here on this Earth to help fulfill Gods plan. Part of his plan for us to receive bodies. As we have children we are helping God fulfill his plan. I think when the right time to start a family is different for everyone. We just need to trust in the Lord that he has a specific plan for us. 

Hello, I'm Melissa Gould! I'm attending BYU-Idaho studying Child Development. I'm in a Family Relations class needing a blog for my thoughts about the things I learn!
So here it is!

A little about me.....
I recently got married to my best friend on August 14, 2015! It was the best day of my life! I got sealed for time and all eternity in the San Diego Temple. I'm grateful I get to be with my husband not just in this life, but in the next. I'm grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and knowing we can be with our families forever. Family means the world to me! I can't wait to write more posts about my thoughts and the things I learn about families!